The Ugly Feeling

I've been reflecting on my book writing, and I've noticed that I have a distinct cycle I go through each month. I have 1-2 weeks of furious writing and knitting where I'll knit from 2PM to 3AM. I end up sleeping in pretty late, except on work days, of course. This has resulted in my Dad and brother believing that all I do is sleep. They only seem to pass by my room when I'm passed out. After two weeks of solid work, I spend a week fretting about what I've worked on followed by a week of recouping (playing computer games, knitting patterns that are not my own).

Three hats, same design. Not sure which ones will be pictured in the book. Hat details washed out on purpose.

This week is the week of fretting. It's a rather ugly feeling of "What am I doing?" "Why am I writing a book?" and the big one, "What if no one cares if it exists?" I think that last one worries me the most. Not because it actually matters if my book changes the world. But because I am pouring so much of myself into it. The rejection of my book is like a rejection of myself. If no one likes the book, then perhaps no one likes me. (Even though I know it isn't true, the feeling still exists) I imagine that is the feeling a lot of people have with their creative endeavors and that is why it is so hard to put yourself out there.

The second in a pair of socks for the book. This is the bottom of the sock. Can't show the pattern just yet.

I try my best to ignore that ugly feeling, but it is a bit paralyzing at times. I think the most important thing to do in this situation is to just keep going on. If I don't feel I can work on my own patterns, then I knit other peoples patterns. I can at least spend my time learning about different construction ideas and garments.

Emilien Sweater. Still needs the zipper. Hope to install it next week.

Working on the book isn't all gloom and doom, though. Even though work feels slow sometimes, I've started to write down everything I've knitted. It's funny how making a list can change my "Why haven't I completed anything" attitude into "How the heck did I have time for all that?"

On a slightly separate note, I'd like to thank everyone who comments on my blog. It makes me feel special and important. I am in the process of figuring out a different comment system for blogger. I want to respond to everyone, but blogger's comment system really isn't friendly in that sort of way. Just know that I read all comments and check out your blogs if you happen to have one.